Wednesday, September 16, 2009

hurray for girls

unfortunately for me and everyone within a 20 mile radius of me, sometimes i react poorly to good news. when i found out i was pregnant with scarlett, i cried. a lot and for a long time. i am quite embarassed to admit that. at the time, i had a plethora of what i thought to be well-founded reasons of why it wasn't the right time for me to be pregnant.
1. i deeply dislike maternity clothes.
2. i was attending spinning classes 6 times a weeks and was very close to becoming certified to teach.
3. i almost had visible abs. almost.
4. i liked sleeping on my stomach.
5. i was mad at thomas. he hadn't put a dirty dish back into the dishwasher to my exact specifications. (irrational anger is one of my tell-tale signs of pregnancy.)

my personal vanity had taken precendece over common sense and logical reason. i was like a pair of knee high platform boots. fun, but not very practical. i struggled with the fact that i needed to be a pair of ballet flats, still pretty, but not very adventurous. i couldn't grasp the fact that i could be the platform boots later and being a pair of ballet flats was what would bring me the most joy.

after a few days of moping and pouting, i was resting on my bed feeling sorry for myself. as i was staring at the ceiling, a sentence came to my mind, "pull it together. this is YOUR GIRL." since i believe that we all can receive personal revelation, that is what i took that prompting as. MY GIRL. i took my chastisement and i pulled it together. being that i am not very kid-friendly, or baby-minded, i shant paint a dreamy picture of ease and rapidly flattening post-baby stomachs and pathways of roses about being a mother. it's tough stuff. indeed the hardest thing i have ever done. but it has made me better.

after i had reagan, i was filled with the sense that i needed to be a better person. after i had scarlett, i felt strongly that i needed to be a better woman. i feel rage at what the world tells women and girls to be like. i do not believe that there is any strength in being promiscuous. i do not believe that there is happiness in selfishness. i know that true self worth comes from service and work and knowledge of our Savior Jesus Christ. i know that real power lies in being virtuous. i don't ever want scarlett to think that being crass and cheap is the best thing she can be. there is no freedom in making poor choices. i pray that i can instill this knowledge in my scarlett.
fortunately, though i am deeply flawed, i get to be scarlett's mother. what a blessing my darling littlebigmouth is to me. i have learned much. i know i still have much to learn.
last friday, a dear friend invited reagan over for a play-date and i was able to have some precious one on one time with scarlett. it was a dream. we went to target and looked at all the clearance clothes. we split a bag of m&ms most equitably. we had peanut butter sandwiches and bananas for lunch.
we took a walk around the neighborhood and blew a whistle and poked things with sticks.
we matched by wearing gray and brown dresses and metallic sandals.
i was even able to coax a "pretty" to stay clipped into her cat fur hair.


it was a pretty awesome day.
i like her. i love her. she makes me want to be better.

15 comments:

Nicole said...

THat is the greatest post EVER!!!! I loved it, Girls are great!!! And you are ever so eloquent with you words about self esteem and such! Hurray for you!!! WE need to get mommy/daughter pictures taken. I have a GREAT photographer in mind!! ;) haha

I also feel the same about being pregnant!

Emily C said...

heidi, that is so sweet.
and scarlett has the prettiest eyes ever

Stimpson's said...

Very wonderful post, Heidi! She is a doll!!

Rachel said...

You are so right, and she is so cute. She really reminds me of her mama!

Carie said...

Very well said.

Jeppson Clan said...

amen.

Meredith said...

So sweet.

Rocketgirl said...

The poor 100 mile radius around my place had to deal with the screaming when I found out I was pregnant with my Dude - I knew my first was a girl, it wasn't a desire as much as I knew it, and so did my husband. I assumed number 2 was a girl because I suffered with all boys in my family and wanted my little girl to have a sister... but the boy?? I went ballistic. I'm still not sold on him, but he's only a month old and I still don't like him (I'll like him when I get some sleep and don't have to burp him).

But the comment you made about the boy making you want to be a better person, and the girl, a better woman - so. dead. on. I love my little girl, and getting to bond with her not just as the mom but as another woman - what a treat. I'm so glad God gave me the opportunity to have that. I'll be okay with the Dude eventually, but MAN I'm glad I got a girl to share woman-dom with :)

Fabulous post! (and you look fabulous - it gives me hope for my post-baby bod!)

Katy said...

i loved this post

Livin' Single said...

yay for girls! i love scarlett. i also especially appreciated your opening ode to people who cry at seemingly weird times. like the time that david insisted that the name of the leading female in Beauty in the Beast was pronounced "Bell-EE" instead of "Bell." No girl should be named "Belly" and the thought made me cry.
But I digress. Yay for the Gospel and any other institution which teaches women and men what holds true value.
love you. you are the best sister.

Jess said...

Thanks! I needed that.

Paula said...

You know, I have totally felt the same way when I had Lydia. So when I found out that I was having a girl, I have felt a huge push to be a better example and a better woman. Now that baby girl #2 is coming, I feel the same promptings of being a better woman. What a wonderful gift it is to be a parent to a girl (and boy too:))

I am grateful that you are honest about how motherhood isn't easy for you but you still plug along and learn and grow. I too am not a "baby person" and have had many struggles with my new responsibilities as a mother. Thank you for this post because I can relate 100% and loved the shoe analogy.

where did you get Scarlett's cute dress and shoes?

MissRochelle said...

que water works.

Jessica said...

irrational anger -- nay rage -- is one of my tell-tale pregnancy signs as well!

this was a fantastic post. scarlett (and reagan) are lucky to have you as a mom because you are a spectacular woman and person. and you have a spectacular sense of humour to boot!

Merilee said...

I would just like to add that cat fur hair is quite accurate and I am impressed she kept the pretty in her hair.