unfortunately for me and everyone within a 20 mile radius of me, sometimes i react poorly to good news. when i found out i was pregnant with scarlett, i cried. a lot and for a long time. i am quite embarassed to admit that. at the time, i had a plethora of what i thought to be well-founded reasons of why it wasn't the right time for me to be pregnant.
1. i deeply dislike maternity clothes.
2. i was attending spinning classes 6 times a weeks and was very close to becoming certified to teach.
3. i almost had visible abs. almost.
4. i liked sleeping on my stomach.
5. i was mad at thomas. he hadn't put a dirty dish back into the dishwasher to my exact specifications. (irrational anger is one of my tell-tale signs of pregnancy.)
my personal vanity had taken precendece over common sense and logical reason. i was like a pair of knee high platform boots. fun, but not very practical. i struggled with the fact that i needed to be a pair of ballet flats, still pretty, but not very adventurous. i couldn't grasp the fact that i could be the platform boots later and being a pair of ballet flats was what would bring me the most joy.
after a few days of moping and pouting, i was resting on my bed feeling sorry for myself. as i was staring at the ceiling, a sentence came to my mind, "pull it together. this is YOUR GIRL." since i believe that we all can receive personal revelation, that is what i took that prompting as. MY GIRL. i took my chastisement and i pulled it together. being that i am not very kid-friendly, or baby-minded, i shant paint a dreamy picture of ease and rapidly flattening post-baby stomachs and pathways of roses about being a mother. it's tough stuff. indeed the hardest thing i have ever done. but it has made me better.
after i had reagan, i was filled with the sense that i needed to be a better person. after i had scarlett, i felt strongly that i needed to be a better woman. i feel rage at what the world tells women and girls to be like. i do not believe that there is any strength in being promiscuous. i do not believe that there is happiness in selfishness. i know that true self worth comes from service and work and knowledge of our Savior Jesus Christ. i know that real power lies in being virtuous. i don't ever want scarlett to think that being crass and cheap is the best thing she can be. there is no freedom in making poor choices. i pray that i can instill this knowledge in my scarlett.
fortunately, though i am deeply flawed, i get to be scarlett's mother. what a blessing my darling littlebigmouth is to me. i have learned much. i know i still have much to learn.
last friday, a dear friend invited reagan over for a play-date and i was able to have some precious one on one time with scarlett. it was a dream. we went to target and looked at all the clearance clothes. we split a bag of m&ms most equitably. we had peanut butter sandwiches and bananas for lunch.
we took a walk around the neighborhood and blew a whistle and poked things with sticks.
we matched by wearing gray and brown dresses and metallic sandals.
i was even able to coax a "pretty" to stay clipped into her cat fur hair.
it was a pretty awesome day.
i like her. i love her. she makes me want to be better.