Saturday, December 31, 2011

christmas broke

christmas break excites and frightens me at the same time. i love my kids but i love they both go to school pretty regularly. frankly, i like going to the bathroom with the door closed. heck, i may get crazy and bring a magazine. sometimes i even want to dash through the grocery store and only have it take 5 minutes because i am only getting one item! i think it makes perfect sense that while i was looking forward to christmas break, i was also a little nervous about the copious amounts of unstructured free time we would all have together. i figured that the best way to get the kids excited for christmas break was to tell them about a friend's christmas party that was going to be held after school on friday. complete with santa and holiday treats. i used it to my advantage for a few days. i held it over their heads for homework, screaming, being nice, sharing, eating dinner, cleaning up. whatever. the usual incentive parenting techniques(because you know "talking things out" simply doesn't work.) then, when friday finally rolled around, we stopped by the store and excitedly picked out our snack contribution. mostly stuff that i like to eat, because i am pregnant and can do whatever i want whenever i want. then i started getting the kids ready for the party. i double checked for directions and started food prep. at this point i realized the party was YESTERDAY. thursday. as in not friday. i then proceeded to repeatedly shut my head in the door of the refrigerator because i know there will be HAIL to pay when i break the news to the kids. i also knew that i would want to be deafened because i would hear for the rest of the day(weekend, month, year) "why did you forget?" in your child's nicest most innocent voice. over and over again. like a dull knife repeatedly stabbing your eardrums. so instead of the truth, i told the kids the party was cancelled because someone got sick and was throwing up. the kids are always fascinated by news of someone throwing up. in short, not only am i a forgetful mother, but i am also a liar. to compensate for all my maternal shortcomings, we headed to blockbuster. i even let them pick out 2 movies. and that is how we got ready for christmas break.


 on our way to blockbuster- scarlett in a random mismash of summer clothes and tights and reagan in his pajamas.

reagan visiting santa at our neighborhood party. he smeared the crumbs all over his face as a special touch.

scarlett in an outfit she didn't want to wear in the first place. and then she realized he friend jacqui was santa's elf and got to wear an elf dress and that only made matters worse.

christmas always means swimming. both kids gave my stomach a couple of good kicks. that is what happens to parents in the pool. i'm sure the baby appreciated the kicks too. 


we watched "shrek the halls"(a classic) about a dozen times and reagan decided he wanted a christmas dinner party, just like shrek. so on christmas eve eve we had some friends over. i decorated with the most tacky dollar store decorations i could find. that is going to be my new christmas theme. tacky tinsel and randomly strewn mulit-colored christmas lights. i think i eventually want to be THAT house in the neighborhood.  i even cooked dinner. it was a christmas miracle.

this was the dining room after the kids were done eating.

i made my red velvet brownie cake.

 thomas humored me by reading "scene it" game questions. naturally, i dominated. i have no other skillz besides useless trivia.

started off with a thud with scarlett climbing in our bed at 4am. i DO NOT like kids in the bed. but i felt like a  grinch so i let her stay. and then i was cranky for the next 3 hours until i finally kicked her out.

reagan got the one thing he really wanted, the movie, g-force. talking guinea pigs=100% cinematic genius. after that present opening was gravy. 

sign #5425 that you are a mom: gifts for the home are gifts for you. i was actually pretty thrilled with my new stainless steel garbage can. i LOATHED and DESPISED the old one. thomas said the new one was for the "whole family" but we know what that means. 

really, reagan could have cared less about presents after g-force was acquired:

miraculously we were able to postpone the rest of present opening until after church. with no tears and no whining. another christmas miracle.

we reserved the whining for family photo taking. 3 family members whined about this. in fact, it was these 3:

next year i'm asking for a tripod so it can be a real family picture. if only i had thought of balancing my camera on my new stainless steel garbage can! 

scarlett had the best reactions to her gifts. i think we could have given her a box of rocks and she would have squealed with delight. 
she loved this light saber, even though according to her "girls aren't jedis".

 sign #3025 you are a mom: gift card to bed, bath and beyond with strict instructions to "buy a dutch oven". also included was a 20% off coupon. that is why i love my mother. there is never a time to not save money.

scarlett opening her easy bake oven. for months now she has been talking about being a chef and opening a restaurant called "the golden pumpkin" and cooking food for people with an easy bake oven. i wish i had gotten a better picture because this expression was priceless. she even let me cook some (NASTY) cookies in it later that day whilst she played with other toys. i was still under her supervision, of course.

thomas and his "back stretcher" that reagan picked out. 

and the requisite christmas gift- race cars and track that usually only work on christmas day and then never work again. another christmas miracle, these cars still work.

 and in an ironic twist: thomas got the most clothes for christmas. 14 shirts. i think it was his dream come true.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

baby X

a face only a mother could love:

because that face is a little creepy. scarlett looked just like darth vader in her twenty week ultrasound, so i'm pretty sure this cute little lizard-faced girl will turn out alright too. either way she's ours and we love her. 

when the tech found the heart and we watched all 4 chambers pump, it was a little emotional for me. i didn't really care either way what the baby's gender was, but when i saw that tiny heart working it's magic, i was in awe. i've been pretty grinchy this whole pregnancy(as opposed to regular heidi grinchy. some of you may not be able to tell the difference. thomas can. pregnant grinchy involves less cooking and more gas.) but i was without words momentarily. miracle of miracles. Heavenly Father has been so good to us. plus, it was wonderful to be able to hold hands with thomas while we watched the ultrasound together. it was our best date since i brought chipotle to his office last month. 

 i must admit that i laughed like the immature 10-year-old-boy-in-a-grown-woman's-body-that-i-am when the tech was pointing out and was using the technical terms for the girl parts. when will i grow up? or when will those words stop being funny?

i told the kids the big news when they got home from school and scarlett seemed pleased that everything was going along with her plans for baby ursula. her other name suggestions are gurlix and greenleaf. reagan was disappointed because he wanted a brother named gus, not another sister. and i can understand that because i know how annoying a little sister can be. now he will have 2. 

thomas seems pleased, but i was a little sad when i thought that now we won't have a little herschel walker simpson. that name was our only boy option. and we don't have any girl names that we agree on. so we are calling her baby X for the time being. because i'm a name snob. i like athena, iris and luna. i also really, really like monroe, but mariah carey just named one her twins that and therefore that puts it in the possible ultra-trendy category.  

Monday, December 12, 2011

so this is christmas

our christmas season thus far:

church christmas party* it was announced that we could wear costumes if we wanted for our night in bethlehem. reagan heard "costumes" and immediately decided that darth vader was obviously one of the magi. wise men came from far away and at least one came from long ago and a galaxy far, far away.  scarlett wanted to be mary so i put her in a robe with stars. my great effort was not wasted. 
does it get better than this?

and one more, olan mills style:

nativity* the kids have also put their special touch around the house:
the real reason there was no room in the inn:

christmas decor* i am a fan of white lights but scarlett wanted "gorgeous, beautiful colored lights, not GROSS white lights". in my Christmas spirit, i caved and got a few strands. and then we haphazardly threw them on the bushes like the rednecks we are. 

only 13 days till christmas. time to start shopping.

Friday, December 02, 2011

fanx givng

fanx givng has come and gone. we had a 24 hour long trip to waycross. we fit in as much as humanly possible in an inhuman amount of time. including a nap in a movie theater(me, to no one's surprise!), rides in a camouflage golf cart scouting out deer on the farm and 2 vomits by 2 kids. as an added bonus, one vomit was in the car!!! excessive exclamation point celebration!!! i can't wait to be dead so that i can take a break from a few things. 

thomas celebrated the holiday by dismantling the alarm system at the place we were staying. we arrived at 1230 at night and by 130am the alarm system beeping every 60 seconds was less than charming. thomas has a future in cat burglary,except for the walking quietly part. he snipped just the right wires. i couldn't have been  prouder. it was a very non-violent act when we both had quite violent emotions toward the control panel. score one for for dr. martin luther king and nonviolence!

the kids always enjoy their brief doses of farm life. 

less enjoyable was the time we spent collecting pecans(pronounced pee-cains) in the orchard. (FYI-pecans grow on trees. big machines come and shake the trees and cause the pecans to fall to the ground. other machines collect the pecans from the ground. then whatever is left is collected by people with tools that resemble raffle ticket drums. i am surprised that there isn't some group of tree huggers protesting the tree shaking because it causes emotional tree trauma.)

the kids were helpful for about 5 minutes and then the adult were left with the bulk of the work. what good are kids if they can't complete simple yard work tasks?

a personal disaster for me was waking up the day after thanksgiving and discovering that my left contact lens had ripped in half. to pour salt in the wound, i had also forgotten to pack my glasses. i am worthless without either of those items because my vision is so bad. fortunately, the waycross walmart vision center was able to contact my eye doctor and supply me with an emergency contact lens. at first the employee sort of rolled her eyes at my request but once she got the fax with my prescription her eyes popped out of her head at my utter blindness. and she also witnessed me run into a few things around the optical.  if pity equals helpfulness, i'll take it. crisis averted.

a personal highlight for thomas and me was spying this van equipped with a running toilet and swamp cooler. i bet that's a fun combination on a hot day in southeast georgia. 

a gastronomic delight was our lunch at jerry js. if ever you are feeling too good about how your pants fit and the health of your heart, head here and order the texas backyard burger. delicious. after your meal, if you sit quietly enough, you can actually hear your arteries hardening. 

finally. if you look closely enough, there is a family in this picture.
our christmas card will most likely not have an accompanying photo. we have taken NUMEROUS on SEVERAL occasions and we are just not a photogenic family. i think the slightly out of focus, very far away, bad lighting look is our best option. artsy. 

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

appreciation is in the air tonight

1. i'm thankful for garbage bag turkey costumes. made by someone else.
2. a husband who consistently says, "oh her? she's totally ugly."
3. antibiotics.
4. food tasting good again.

5. 75 degree fall days. 
6. reagan's sense of humor.
7. scarlett's enthusiasm for life.

8. phil collins. in the air tonight. that song is almost as old(young) as me. still love it. 
9. will arnett on "up all night". 
10. kids that don't mind playing in gigantic piles of leaves. that may or may not have mushrooms growing on dog poop in them. ignorance is bliss.
11. running again. even if it's only on a treadmill. 

12. increasing numbers
13. face wash with little granules for scrubbing.

14. the baby's room. it's completely empty and therefore always clean. sometimes i just stand at the door and stare. i don't ever want to put furniture in there. or a baby. mess makers. 

15. my young women at church. i love love love them. 
16. my kid's teachers at church. i love love love them. 
17. long-running jokes. or jokes in general. i can joke about anything. often at inappropriate times. it's a gift. 

Wednesday, November 09, 2011


my sister is preg with her first baby due about a month before me. since i am an expert on all things parental and maternal she has been positively peppering me with questions. about 3 weeks ago she asked me to tell her something good about motherhood. as i received this text i was wrangling children for bed and i saw that this is what they did to the bathroom that i had futilely and stupidly just finished cleaning moments before: toothpaste is my nemesis.
needless to say i never answered that text.

but now i will, by recapping the month of october.

the family has been suffering from a lack of food and fun since my short term abdominal incarceration and the kids have been forced to fend for themselves for entertainment more often than usual.

 scarlett got especially tired of my useless self laying prone on the couch that she got the dog's leash and tied it to the banister and had me hold the other end so that she could "jump rope". i felt pretty lame.

pumpkin carving was especially thrilling as we threw caution to wind and let everyone hold the knife at once whilst carving.(thomas instructed us that we would ALL BE PARTICIPATING IN THE PUMPKIN CARVING or else this year. he's such a temperamental artist. i didn't receive an ounce of help on my ugly pumpkin.)

scarlett pitched in by cleaning various kitchen accoutrements. with the sink and grout scrubber. so i got to clean everything again. with bleach.

reagan filled books and books and books with pictures and letters and notes with messages like, "no girls allowed, this means you." 

trunk or treat at the church. i was a grinch who only gave out one small piece of candy to each kid who came to our trunk. and they got nothing if they didn't say trick or treat or wear a "real" costume. 

and it was quite apropos that i dressed as darth vader since  thomas' term of endearment for me while i am pregnant is darth madre. because i breathe loud and i'm mean and i want to squeeze people's windpipe's closed with my mind. (and that is why everyone only gets ONE piece of candy. obesity is an epidemic and i am doing my part to curb it!)

grandma sandy came for halloween and that made me completely happy. every day she said, "heidi, you look tired. go take a nap. i would love to play with the kids." thomas would never call her darth madre. he would call her saint sandy the benevolent and long-suffering. 

and i learned that my favorite hand me down pot is actually at least 50 years old and that my grandma bonnie cooked with it when my mom was a child. (it has a copper bottom, the best and most even conductor of heat!)

we took family pictures and only the ones without thomas and me looked good. 

target is my go-to lunch date with scarlett. they cook the food for you! we get the pretzle and icy bear(slurpee) combo. 

actual dia de los muertos. princess leia, hot dog/buzz lightyear and me. a gross old homeless woman with a raging 2 week old sinus infection wearing two sweatshirts while walking a fat, smelly ancient dog who can't walk more than 10 feet without marking something or gasping for air. it was sort of a disappointment for me.


scarlett got her ears pierced. she BEGGED and promised to stop sucking her thumb(liar!) and to clean up her room everyday. i'm the sucker. but she sure looks cute.

plus, once i got some REAL sinus medication in my system, i noticed how lovely the trees are in autumn. i had been missing so much.

yay south cackalacki!

so, in short. being a mom is awesome. this month i learned to be patient with them and they were very very very patient with me.