Monday, July 20, 2009

suburbia strikes back

1. DO NOT LITTER.

2. DO NOT LITTER IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD.

3. DO NOT LITTER IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD BY THROWING YOUR FAST FOOD BAGS OUT THE WINDOW.

4. DO NOT LITTER IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD BY THROWING YOUR FAST FOOD BAGS OUT OF THE WINDOW OF YOUR MOVING VEHICLE, THAT DIDN'T EVEN STOP AT THE STOP SIGN,(DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE LACK OF TURN SIGNAL USE) ONTO THE STREET.

5. DO NOT LITTER IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD BY THROWING YOUR FAST FOOD BAGS OUT OF THE WINDOW OF YOUR MOVING VEHICLE, THAT DIDN'T EVEN STOP AT THE STOP SIGN, ONTO THE STREET ACROSS FROM MY HOUSE WHILE I AM STANDING IN MY GARAGE WATCHING.

6. AND DON'T YOU EVEN SLOW DOWN TO LAUGH AT ME WITH YOUR BIG, STUPID, SIDEWAYS, WANNABE GANGSTA CAP ON YOUR BIG, IGNORAMUS FACE, AS I AM SCREAMING AT YOU LIKE A BANSHEE CAT IN HEAT.

7. YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET THAT DECISION. YOU DUMB PUNKS.

saturday i spent nearly 6 and one half hours in my yard doing various forms of gardening and homeownership maintenance. i take great pride in my home and my neighborhood.


the last thing i want to see is some over-indulged kids driving around, disobeying traffic laws and carelessly throwing their garbage on the ground. i don't think those kids had any idea who they were messing with. i DO NOT take things lying down. thomas heard all the blood-curdling screaming and came outside to see who was about to be murderized. i quickly explained the situation and we jumped in the car to chase the perpetrators down. (okay, we were already planning a quick trip to the grocery store and the kids were already buckled in their seats. but we did collect their garbage and i made photographic evidence in case we saw a charcoal gray chevy blazer missouri license plate number FD9 A9Y with a varsity cheerleading sticker and the name "shelbie" on the backglass en route to hy-vee.




thanks to my intrepid detective skillz, the future burdens on government and society, or FBOGAS, as they will heretofore be termed, were spotted returning from the same hy-vee that we were headed to. thomas flipped a quick U-turn and we carefully and cautiously chased them back to the 'hood. they pulled up to their residence and thomas skillfully blocked them in. unfortunately, i was not the calm one in this situation(a first) and thomas decided to handle this alone. i took notes from the car. i restrained myself from taking pictures. at first they used the, "just-don't-look-at-that-large-man-coming-at-you" method of avoidance. not a smart move since a man of thomas' size is hard to ignore. when thomas tried to return the offending garbage to it's owners, they utilized the, "that's not mine" method of denial. i must note that the attire of the 3 male members of the FBOGAS was sleeveless football t-shirts from a local high school, making them highly identifiable. and thanks to "shelbie's" gender and cheerleading booty shorts, it was not hard to guess who she was. after additional firm, but kind prodding from thomas, the FBOGAS who actually lived on our block took the fast food garbage from thomas. no blood shed. no yelling. but, no apologies. all in a hard day's work.

i wonder if reagan and scarlett realize that they have the most embarassing parents ever?


REGULATORS! mount up!

*we are not dangerous. reagan had already removed his safety belt and we had come to a full stop in the parking lot when i took this team photo.

note to self: i really need to get in control of my screaming voice if people are going to take me seriously as a neighborhood anti-littering enforcer.

19 comments:

Julianne said...

BAAHAHA! Way to go, Heidi! They were probably from BSSHS, weren't they (no offense).

Emily said...

This is why I'm lucky to have you as a friend.

Will and Natalie Giddens said...

Dang girl! I wanted to quote some other "Regulate" lyrics back at ya, but after Googling them I realized yet again that they are highly inappropriate, especially for a family blog. But then again, after reading this post, they may have been the perfect response.

I wish you would move here and be my neighbor so I could share in the excitement that is your life. Those FBOGAS better think twice before messin' wit you. Holla!

(I think I'm trying to set a new record for how many times I can use the word holla in comment to your posts. How am I doing?)

The High Family- said...

I wish people understood how much yardwork stinks and that you don't want any extra trash thrown in for fun. Seriously, you are impressive for laying the smack down. (P.S. I'm only running a half marathon. My mom got a little boastful and was misinformed. Full marathons frighten me...really it is something I never want to do...ever! You do inspire me. I have been swishing it around in my head for a while and then when you did one a few months ago I thought, heck if I want to look as good as Heidi, I better do one too!Pray I don't die on September 5th.)

Livin' Single said...

Oh man, I would have been right there with you! I find myself complaining about spoiled teenagers ruining our society on a daily basis, and I'm only 24 myself. To those litterers-- Sheesh, you ungrateful fiends! Get a job and a life! Contribute to society instead of gutting us of the hard work our founding fathers put into this nation!!
See? I say stuff like that all the time. If you couldn't see my face, you'd think I was 86.

Lindsey said...

GOOD for you!

Carie said...

Who throws garbage out the car window? SERIOUSLY: there are people living in this world that think that littering is okay?

Makes my blood boil. Can I be your deputy?

Merilee said...

Best thing I've heard all day. I'm so glad someone is taking these polluters in hand. Man, without a couple regulators, BS would totally go down the pot.

Rocketgirl said...

You guys are officially the most awesome people on the planet. Seriously. I am in awe right now. I'm so glad you have a big husband to do the talking for you - I know I'd have been screaming on trying to stuff the empty wrappers gown their pants.

amanda said...

Holy Heck Heidi- I love you!

Barry & Margo Swartz said...

Hilarious!

Jessica said...

hahahahaha. more like do reagan and scarlett realize they have the most AWESOME parents ever? i love that you tracked them down. you should look into a career as a bounty hunter. hahaha.

Nicole said...

Hahaha omgosh...if it was LS highschool, I totally know who that is.

Paula said...

What those future bums learned is that you don't mess with the Simpsons. That is awesome and I can't believe you followed through. I have always wanted to do something like that. I too worked in my yard for hours on Saturday and enjoyed every minute of it.

Nicole said...

Love you and love the regulators shout out at the end!!! Classic!

Karyn said...

Do I remember you? Of course I do, you silly girl. How'd you find my blog? I'm glad you did-it's great to be back in touch again. You've got such a cute family.

Nicole said...

Poop jokes are the ONLY things my family talks about. Welcome to the club.

Elizabeth said...

Heidi...you are AWESOME!!! And I just love that Thomas was right there with you on this one...I just LOVE it...

Debbie said...

hahaha.. that is so awesome that you tracked them down!! at least it was fast food-- we usually get beer cans thrown in our yard :-(