Friday, December 05, 2008

floats like a butterfly...stings like rug burn

all the thoughts that went through my head after i flipped off the treadmill and i nearly killed myself this morning in front of every single person at the gym:
1. pleaseplease don't let my teeth be broken.
2. and not my face, anything but my face. now i'll never be a teen model!
3. does this mean i need to switch gyms again? will i forever be known as the dummy who fell off the treadmill?
4. is this a dream? perhaps a nightmare? please let this be a dream and have big T come and rescue me.
5. are my clothes still on? if this is a dream, my clothes could have easily fallen off my body. stuff like that happens in dreams. and then everyone from junior high shows up and laughs at you.
6. pleaseplease don't let me cry. or making any embarassing gaspy, sobbing noises.
7. i knew i was a clumsy fool, i didn't know i was teetering close to endangering the lives of those around me.
8. did i lose conciousness? where did all these people come from? there a 12 people standing around me. are they talking to me? who is this "heidi" person they speak of?
9. did i utter any naughty words mid-flight?
10. but seriously, is my face okay?

so, i fell off the treadmill this morning at the gym. i had been running and then i decided that i needed to go to the bathroom and i left my machine on at full speed, hoping to just jump back on where i was. but since i don't live in graceful gazelle world, more like lumbering bear world, that proved to be an impossible task. this particular gymnastical feat takes an extra special kind of uncoordinated person. dick, my special senior citizen friend who wears crisp, dark blue jeans to work out in, was the first one on the scene to assess the damage. i think i was only unconscious for 30 seconds tops. but that was 30 seconds too long. of course i cried. mostly from sheer embarassment. and punctured pride. and the realization that i had smacked my face on the edge of the treadmill and that the speeding ramp had taken all the skin off my little, delicate shoulder and knees. one quote was, "you just kept bouncing... and then rolling." and i had to beg them not to call an ambulance. seriously. something about my eyes rolling back into my head. and some squirty blood. but who's afraid of a little blood? now i just look tough. hopefully this big red mark on my cheek will deepen into a bruise just in time to go out tonight with thomas so that everyone will think he is a wife beater. and then i will have to explain to everyone, "no really, i fell down. he's no ike turner." because people's faces look like they have been punched when they fall down.

and the first question asked by my dear sweet sister after i re-told her the gory details of the incident:
does your gym have surveillance video so that i can watch it?

and for the rest of you sick-Os wondering the same thing? no, there is no permanent record of this freak treadmill accident. thank you for your concern.

23 comments:

Angie said...

Heidi I'm so sorry. That sounds awful. I hope you don't have to change gyms. Too bad it's too cold for Thomas to wear a white ribbed tank top out o your date tonight. Sorry maybe that was innaporriate.

Thanaglim said...

oh suck-i know i would've said something naughty if that happened to me...

well now you know why they have those little emergency stop thingys you have to attach to yourself...

lrbodine said...

That is hilarious and especially because I've done the same thing with falling off the treadmill. Only I was so embarassed that I didn't ever tell anyone that story! I didn't go back to the gym for a couple weeks after that. I hope you're okay!

MissRochelle said...

Oh, haha. Ahh.... still laughing. Are you ok dear? I'm working at the office today, and just told all the attorneys in the office! They appreciated the laugh, but hope you are ok!!

Rocketgirl said...

Holy snap, everything hurts just reading it - the bouncing and the flopping and the whole knowing in your mind that everyone around you is totally c oncerned about your welfare but all you can think is how doofus-like you just looked to them... you know, one of my guily-ish pleasures is doing something really stupid when NO ONE SEES IT. Like falling down the stairs in a stairwell in an office building and no one was around... that just feels good.

I'm seriously thrilled your face is okay!!

Meredith said...

that is too funny! but i'm really sorry that happened to you!

The Archibald Family said...

Oh Heidi...I hate it when that happens. It's happened to me twice, thankfully in the confines of my parent's basement. I was trying to figure out how it works, and stupidly just stood on the belt...and off I fly. Those burns hurt! I worry every time I'm on a treadmill now.

amanda said...

Oh Heidi- I am crying. That was so funny. The slobby, gaspy sounds- ha!

I am sorry though and glad you are ok.

Um- I seem to remember the time we were training to be cash register goddesses in the women's dept and you fainted.

No pics huh?

Jeppson Clan said...

I've always wanted to pass out or faint in a delicate sort of way, I guess I need to try the treadmill approach...oh wait bouncing isn't really delicate... ;)
Glad you didn't have to ride off into the sunset in an ambulance! I'm sorry that happened, & I'm sorry about your face, but I can't wait to see it!

Elizabeth said...

Am I a bad person for laughing my head off through most of your post?

I really am so sorry that happened to you today, and I hope that your body heals quickly and that you go to see a movie tonight where it will be nice and dark and no one will even notice...

The question is...are you going back to that gym any time soon?

Julia said...

Oh Heidi. You make me laugh. -I mean. I am so sorry for what happened! I hope you're alright. They said you were bouncing? Wow! What speed were you running at? But, does this mean you'll still get back on the horse (aka treadmill)?

Carie said...

THis certainly beats my nurse/shot story from Book club.

You really have a gift for writing and humor. I adore you.

Nicole said...

Oh! Bless you little heart! I hope you feel better soon! It was GREAT talking to you yesterday. For reals, we need to get together again soon!

DMC Studios said...

That is awesome! When I'm at the gym on the treadmill I act like I don't care, but Im aware of everyone around me. And I try to be the fastest runner even if it kills me to keep it at that pace. One time I caught the non moving side with my foot and stumbled just for a second and I was mortified. So I about peed my pants reading the thoughts that came to your mind especially the don't cry one. Brilliant.

Todd said...

Wow. That was funny. We're glad you're okay.

Sounds like with a little more practice, you could master the treadmill and work up to something like this.

Livin' Single said...

it was the SECOND question i asked. i'm sure i asked if you were ok. i'm a really good sister like that. and i would have been freaking out about my teeth too. if it makes you feel any better, one day katie was pushing me to do five more of these really hard abs things and she kept saying "just five more, just five more" and i couldn't do it, and i cried. so there. and that was in the free weights section next to all the big boys. true story.

Paula said...

I would have loved to seen a video of it but I am happier to hear that you are okay. when I went to the gym, falling off equiment was always a concern of mine too. i am glad your face and teeth are all okay.

Lesta said...

Oh you poor thing! That comment about "bouncing and rolling"...Oh my goodness!! How is your face??

Only you could make something so, so awful and embarrassing sound soooooo funny though! hahaha...Now remember, I'm laughing with you - not at you!

Luv ya!

Jessica said...

hahahahahahaha. hahahahahahah. oh, i mean, i'm sorry. falling on the treadmill is my worst nightmare. you were bouncing? that sounds painful. when are you going to provide documentation of your battle wounds?

Erica said...

You tried to get back onto a moving treadmill?

Jeanine said...

you just lived one of my biggest fears. Thanks for taking a test run for me. I think I'll try even harder to be terrified of falling off the treadmill so it will be my number one fear. Coming in second, forgetting to lock a public restroom door. Glad you have crisp blue jean Dick to be your gym guardian angel. Wish we could all be so blessed.

Lindsey said...

First of all, we are the same person. We both have three brothers and one sister, and our little sisters are both named Heather. We worry a lot about how we look in humiliating situations. I would've pretended to stay passed out in this scenario.

Some differences: You are super hot and domestic and have an adorable family of your own. You actually go to the gym. You risk things I wouldn't dream of, such as getting on a full-speed treadmill. You take pain better than I do. You are named Heidi.

Second, I cannot tell you how glad I am that you are okay, especially your face. Although laughing through this post probably made up for all the ab workouts I COULD be doing at the gym, I still feel awful for you and am just so glad you're okay.

Third, Heather, when you get that tape from the gym, I'll bring popcorn.

sarah said...

you crack me up. i know you've heard it before from others... but i'm blaming you for keeping me up too late reading your entire page.