Monday, August 05, 2013

the real world

i just spent 30 minutes rocking blythe to sleep and it was one of the most wonderful moments of my entire life. partially, because blythe is a delight(when she's sleeping) and partially, because i know i am doing the right thing for me. as i sat in my recliner and held my little baby tight, tears poured down my face because of the happiness and contentment i felt and i knew nothing else in this world could replicate that feeling. no accomplishment, no purchase, no experience. lately, i've wanted really wanted to get back into blogging on my personal blog on more regular basis and i was reading an article about how to maximize your blogging potential. the first tidbit of advice was to "become obsessed with your blog" and my thought was ain't nobody got time for that! i'm obsessed with my family. perhaps i can become "happily engaged during my limited free time" in my blogging endeavors and that will have to suffice for now. the phrase "joy in motherhood" came to mind over and over while i was rocking blythe and i feel like i could finally understand a little bit what that meant. from my chair, i could see an absolute mess spilling out of scarlett's room into the hallway and i could hear the two big kids playing together, barely on this side of bickering about something trivial but i felt peace. i've been blessed throughout my entire motherhood to be able to stay home and care for my children. i feel like i had that path divinely laid out in front of me and i sort of fell into it, but willingly walked along it. however, i think for many years i was hurrying along, deliberately concentrating on or even searching for rocks and roots to get tripped up on, thinking only of when these dang kids would go away and finally i could get back to me and what i wanted to do. people can always find something to be unhappy about, even if you are in your ideal setting. i would pine for the day when the kids would be at school all day and i could finally go back to the "real world". the truth is, i have been heavily entrenched in the "real world" since march 16, 2005 when i became a mother. everything i did suddenly became much more important because it was affecting not just me or thomas,(we who could make our own decisions) but a helpless little spirit who couldn't make his own decisions and was completely dependent on how we loved him and served him and taught him. this has only been compounded and expanded as we have been blessed with two more helpless(emphasis on the helpless) spirits in our family.
truthfully, i just got up and shut the door on the big kids as their argument has escalated into a pushing and shoving match of prodigious proportions. if anyone would come up to me in public during these times and tell me i will miss these moments, i would melt their face off with my laser beam eyes. but i am grateful. i'm glad that i know who i am and what God's plan for me is. i'm glad that i am blessed with enough me time to keep me sane. i am glad i am a mother. i'm glad i have a husband who supports me in being heidi and mama.

i read this jane clayson book on motherhood a few years ago and her experiences really resonated with my soul and i think of it often. i highly suggest it.



Lindsey said...

Such a sweet post! Thank you for sharing.

Jeppson Clan said...

Love it! You are such a rock star mom! I miss your face around here.

Emily Curfew said...

You are great at putting your feelings and thoughts in words. What you wrote really reaignated with me. Some of my most emotionally exilerating heart bursting motherhood are when I'm rocking a baby. I am crying thjnkjng about it. These babies are tender and needy (in a very good way!) and so full of limitless love. For me it is soooo important to write down, and remember these truly "awe"some moments to help during the most difficult child-rearing moments. I love you Heidi and love your gracious loving example of motherhood.

Debbie J said...

Heidi, you are awesome!! You made me cry...wished more mom's would get this motherhood thing figured out...the world would be a better place if they did. You are a blessing to your "helpless" ones now and into their futures!!!

Nicole said...

Love that this post and love that book! I acutally learned something from you!! :) I can easily get caught up in my photography, I'm gonna go right now and delight in motherhood! :)

Love ya!