scarlett o'baby

remember the blessing dress travesty of ridiculous proportion?
it seems to have turned out all right in the end.
but don't let that angelic smile fool you, she is no respecter of clothing.

mama drama
this morning i took the kids shopping at a consignment store for some cooler weather clothing. as we are walking around i notice the distinct odor of barf. i am thinking that some kid must have just barfed and they barely got it cleaned up. i continue perusing the great deals. some people must only let their kids wear an outfit once because i got some fantastic deals. the barf smell continues to follow us. i can't seem to get away. my head is beginning to hurt because of the intense barf scent. i then make the realization that it is us that smells! sometime during the night reagan barfed on his blanket and i didn't notice until right then. it makes sense because i had to tell reagan to go get his blanket before we left the house and that is usually never the case! reagan knew it smelled bad and he didn't want to bring it. i quickly made my purchases and ran out the door. i am sure they won't miss my patronage in the future.

dear margaret mitchell

dear margaret mitchell,
where does one begin in addressing their favorite author? though you had just one book published, that was all it took for me to be fully entrenched and consumed by your incomparable wit and your resplendent prose. i will always be grateful for that day in the 6th grade that i started reading gone with the wind. my world was forever changed.
i feel i must apologize for the recent "literary works" that have been authorized by your estate. i am sorry that both fall short of your standards. neither "scarlett" and "rhett butler's people" comes within shouting distance of gone with the wind. did the authors not research enough? was there no passion for the original characters? or is there simply no way to write an adequate companion novel to the greatest written work of recent history? while i empathize with the estate's need to answer the public's pleas for answers and conclusions about gone with the wind, sometimes things need to be left well enough alone. gone with the wind is a masterpiece. too much milk on cereal just makes it soggy. too many cooks in the kitchen spoil the meal. and too many authors trying to recreate the magic of gone with the wind make poor sequels. (excepting of course the day when i finally sit down and pen my narrative of gone with the wind.)
sincerely, heidi-president of the simpson family chapter of the gone with the wind fan club.

i finished rhett butler's people on friday night. i tried to give it a chance. i wanted my mind to be a tabula rasa. it is difficult to put aside one's preconceptions on this very important subject matter and be subjective, not just critical. there were some elements i enjoyed. of course it was nice to revisit the characters and i liked some of the fresh ideas that were presented. but the smoldering relationship between rhett and scarlett was just not present. it was more like a nice meal from a restaurant reheated the next day for lunch. fine, but not like the real deal. and some of the scenarios were just impossible. they just wouldn't happen and nothing could make me believe they were feasible.

after i finished rhett butler's people, i went back and read a passage from gone with the wind, just to see if i was being too critical. no. i am an expert in these matters. rhett butlers people is a nice story, but is in no way doctrine. the end.

mom jeans

we had playgroup at my house this week. one mom brought this pair of jeans that didn't fit her so she was offering them to the rest of us. no one wanted them, so somehow they just got left at my house. i didn't even have to put them on to know that they are the dreaded "mom jeans". check out the ridiculously high rise and the tapered ankle. i feel like i graduated from high school in 1984. pardon me while i pull my skyhigh waistband out of my armpits. i don't even dare show you the backyard. thomas wouldn't even take a picture in order to spare my dignity. let me paint a mental picture: the expanse was so tall and wide that a 747 could have used it as a landing strip.


this clip cracks me up every time i watch it. we need a mom jean revolution. friends don't let friends wear mom jeans. i figure if i don't completely embarass my children by the way i dress, that is a big plus for them. they may even want to be seen with me when they are teenagers.

true comediennes are gone with the wind

a few nights ago i was watching a carol burnett special on pbs. if i could do it again, i would become a red-headed comedienne because carol burnett and lucille ball are my two favorites! i love how they both were not afraid to look silly, unattractive or do slapstick comedy. and those women ran their own shows! they just don't have comediennes like that any more. how old do i sound? i better go do some laps at the mall and check my false teeth!
bit o'trivia: both carol burnett and lucille ball have a gone with the wind connection. lucille ball auditioned for the role of scarlett o'hara and carol burnett's funniest clip of all time is about gone with the wind. enjoy this clip! it is lengthy, but worth it!

L8TR G8TR

i've said it a million times, i love autumn in the south. this morning at the gym, many people commented on how cold it has gotten. and it has! compared to the 90 degree weather we were experiencing just a few weeks ago, it is downright chilly! this morning it was in the 30s, but today while we enjoyed the park, it was in the high 6os. a lovely day indeed.

wait, what does that sign say?
ALL CITIZENS WALKING AND RIDING BIKES YIELD TO EACH OTHER! what? when was the last time a biker yielded to anyone? bikers think they are bikedestriaobiles. they are the gods of transportation! they trump everybody! but fo' reals yo, i don't actually believe there are any alligators there anymore. they are in hiding. georgia had it's first alligator attack in 30 years a month or so ago about 10 minutes from our house. but we ain't scared. i just consider it an incentive to run faster while jogging at the park. i would love an alligator purse or belt.

autumn in dixie

bless ben franklin

in my mind, i had been planning on several different ideas about what to blog about for national blog till you puke month, which i have obviously been participating in. i had been contemplating a post about what modern convenience you can't live without. well, i know firsthand, what TWO modern conveniences i can't live without. drumroll........microwave and hairdryer. last night our microwave went kaput and this morning our hairdryer went the way of the world. a technological double whammy! i didn't realize till about lunch today what a huge deal this is until i went to make lunch with air-dried, puffy, triangular shaped hair. most of my quick lunch ideas, corndogs, hot dogs, chicken nuggets, and pizza bites wouldn't work without a microwave. sure, those lunch items can be made with the oven, but i don't think the boss man(reagan) wanted to wait that long. what a trying life i lead! bad hair and a cold lunch! thank goodness for ben franklin harnessing electricity!
now my question is, what can you not live without? and you can't say family, scriptures, and goody goody answers like that. let's get shallow, imagine life without indoor plumbing and flat irons!!!

frankly, i give a damn

today was the big day folks. i planned a few festivities to help usher in the momentous day. firstly, i actually did my hair and make-up. secondly, i answered every phone call with, "happy rhett butler's people day!" that was extra fun when i talked to my mom today because we got cut off like 4 times and each time answered with my joyful expression. thirdly, i made a true southern dinner of barbeque pork chops, cheese biscuits(homemade), corn on the cob and lemonade.
the highlight of the day was the actual book purchase. unfortunately, our local wal-mart wasn't carrying rhett butler's people. fiddle dee dee! i had to go all the way to barnes and noble and pay significantly more. bleah. like a whole 5 dollars. nevertheless, i was pretty excited...
in the parking lot pre-purchase

my willing purchase companions. don't they look ecstatic? reagan was out cold. i put him in the stroller, bought the book, put him back in the car, drove home and put him in his bed. he had no idea he even left the house. scarlett, on the other hand, was all smiles and coos. she knew that this was an important day. someday i will share the story of how she was with me when i purchased rhett butler's people.

post-purchase, mission accomplished.

the saddest day of the year

this sad display greeted our garbage man. we are all mourning over the loss of iron mike the jack-o-lantern. at least he went out on top! haha!

************
mama drama

sometimes you lose in order to win. i'm not sure what brought on this incredible apple juice affection, but we will roll with it if it helps him take a nap.

********
finalemento

i spend a ton of time at wal-mart. regardless that their staff is invisible, unhelpful, unintelligible and condescending, they still have the BEST selection and BEST prices. what's a gal to do? anywhooo, on today's particular outing, there was a bit of confusion in the parking lot. i was driving in front of the store when two cars were coming at me. and then someone was honking. i was trying to navigate through this mess without getting hit myself. as i was going along, this old lady with her cart steps out in front of my car. i slow down to let her pass and give her this sheepish smile/wave like, "oh, i didn't see you. sorry about that." i was in the wrong. i can admit that. she then decides that isn't good enough and starts verbally berating to me. i don't think that she thought i would roll down my window to hear her comments. she is going off in a condescending tone about me "not knowing that pedestrians have the right of way, blah, blah, blah." and her voice was even more nasal than mine, if you can believe that. so, i reply to her in my nicest, sweetest voice, "i am apologizing to you for my mistake, i am so sorry." i was actually shocked myself that that was my reply and so was she because she stopped talking and walked away in a huff. i don't think she was expecting that. i really wanted to say, "watch out lady, don't expect everyone to see you when you walk out into traffic." or "are you that lady who wears plastic head scarves and jumbo opthamologist sunglasses and drives 40 mph in the hammer lane of the interstate with her blinker on all the time?" or better still, "they say, don't mess with texas. well, you don't even want to mess with missouri! watch out!" motherhood has definitely made me a more patient person. the end.

i am a mother

"you are doing God's work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you, and He will bless you, even-no, especially-when your days and your nights may be most challenging. like the woman who anonymously, meekly, perhaps even with hesitation and some embarassment, fought her way through the crowd just to touch the hem of the Master's garment, so Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and weep over their responsibility as mothers, "daughter, be of good comfort, thy faith hath made the whole." and it will make your children whole as well."
-elder jeffrey r. holland

just another beautiful day in the coastal empire

thomas is a great husband. he always humors me in my silly ideas. as everyone surely knows by now, rhett butler's people---the prequel/sequel to the ground breaking, record shattering, one true great american novel, gone with the wind--- is just days from release. so thomas went along with my idea of a rhett butler's people weekend. those of you who know me also know that this trip echoed a gone with the wind trip we made to atlanta 3 years ago, which further fueled my obsession. (for the love of cross stitch, i have a daughter named scarlett! that is true love!) anywhooo, thomas is the best. i know that someday we will have many georgia bulldogs/athens weekend trips and, of course, one ronald reagan weekend trip. at least his favorite things involve real people. eventually thomas will have to visit me in the crazy people asylum and i will insist that we wear antebellum garb, including full hoop skirts, and thomas will have to call me miss scarlett and i will call him rhett. actually, thomas doesn't have to wear a hoop skirt, just a morning coat and cravat. and grow a mustache. and ride a horse. and have pistol duels to defend my honor and/or virtue. and, well, you get the idea.


to kick start our rhett butler's people weekend, i dropped reagan off with his mimi susu and bubba for a funfilled weekend of tractors and cows. then our southern living adventure officially began with dinner at paula deen's restaurant, the lady and sons, in historic, scenic downtown savannah. everyone needs to make a trip there at least once. it has become a southern institution.

delicious. some of the best hoe cakes i have ever had. finger lickin'. the cheese biscuits were yummy too. thomas had the crab cakes and i had the shrimp, sausage, and grits medley. thomas makes the best grits that i have ever had, but paula deen's were a close third (after the waysider in tuscaloosa). i can hardly recall my life before i discovered the delight of grits. it is a foggy memory. grits have changed my life and my palate. that paula deen must be smilin' all the way to the bank.

then, on saturday, we trekked 2 hours north to charleston, south carolina, fictional home of rhett butler. we walked along the battery and did some house hunting, you know, just in case we ever have a couple million lying around the bank, just taking up space.

it looks like a bright glare was in effect, but actually the south is always glowing.

i try and stand with my hands on my hips in photos because it is supposed to make you look taller and thinner. let me tell you, after i decided to consume enough calories at lunch/dinner to feed a school bus full of elementary school kids, i needed to do anything possible to support my back and disguise that belly bulge from lunch. thomas had the brisket sammich and i had the pulled pork barbeque sammich and we shared a plate of nachos. and we had to get homemade ice cream on the way home. if we are celebrating the south, then we need to do it right.



autumn is the best time in the south. mid 70s in november. ad that to football on the radio both coming and going and you are fixin' on pert near perfect. plus, if you wear a georgia bulldogs hat, people that pass you while driving down the road will slow down and update you on the score of the game. this next one is thomas in standing next to a plaque commemorating south carolina's sucession.
historical sites for the nerds in us.






i have an affinity for old school cemetaries. they are so spooky!
fun was had by all. i did find the need to point out in my mind every tractor, back hoe, cement truck, dump truck, bus, train, fire truck, big rig, horsey, horsey poo poo, cat and dog. that reagan has me on the lookout at all times.

heather is the best

my sister turned 23 and got her driver's license yesterday! and she passed parallel parking, a feat i have never even fathomed accomplishing. what a girl, what a milestone. since she is such a great gal, i will post some things about how wonderful she is. some may not make sense, it could sound a bit cryptic, but she will understand.

heather is the best because she speaks romanian. heather is the best because she is a piano prodigy. clair de lune is her forte(haha, music pun). heather is the best because she follows the byu honor code to a T. you might call her the honor code police. ask her about it, sometime. it's a great story. heather is the best sight reader ever. seriously. she can play a song the first time like she was performing in the miss america pageant on tv.
heather is the best because she is very clever and witty. heather is the best because she is very beautiful. she does not, however, have grave's disease, so quit bringing it up. heather is the best because she has perfect pitch, as does my mother. i do not have perfect pitch. i guess that trait doesn't skip generations, it skips sisters.
heather is the best sunshine generation sign-language performer. heather is the best flat iron straightener. heather is the best michael jackson "black or white" interpretive dancer. heather is the best fake blonde. heather is the best owner of toethumbs, or as she calls them, thoes. heather is the best and quickest car sick person. she will barf in a car faster than anyone.
you are the best heather. now that you are home from your mission, go find that gilbert blythe!

love, heidi

all good in the halloweiner hood

halloweiner! my 3rd grade humor sensibilities always get the best of me. once again the best day of the year has come and gone. this has been a busy month for me. not my best october to date. i fancy myself carefree, but my month was chock full of things that needed to be done! i just need to start planning earlier for next year. perhaps sometime in april...sort of a heidibirthday/halloween launching party.

seriously folks, he does have clothes! really. and he does eat. his idol is not kate moss! his clothing removal skills are getting too good for me to keep up with.

i took the easy road this year and recycled thomas and my darth vader/princess leia costumes from 2 years ago. and scarlett is a pink poodle, not a bunny! hopefully you can tell what reagan is dressed up like. if you ask him, he would reply, "horsey pants!"
she loves it, it is in her blood. mwwahahaha!

trusty(nasty) blanket tucked under his arm

thomas is the ultimate jack-o-lantern scooper outer. our pumpkin innards are so smooth you could serve dinner out of it. pumkpin innards smell makes me want to barf; i think it is from 2 pregnant halloweens. so i do the carving. this is my attempt at making a mike tyson look-alike pumpkin. note the pink circle:
and iron mike himself:

the similarities are uncanny.

powerade is thicker than water

thomas and i were commenting on sunday night that it had been a while since we had had any medical mishaps. i guess we jinxed ourselves. we really need to get one of the posters that factories have that say, "231 days without any accidents". of course, ours would now say "2 days without any accidents".

i go to the gym every week day. the ymca employees are beginning to know me by name. they anticipate my arrival and know a bit of my routine. now, instead of heidi, they are going to know me as "that girl they had to call the ambulance for." i participated in a spin class monday morning. after the class ended, the instructor and i did some elastic tube exercises. while i was stretching, my vision blurred and i had to lay down in the floor. i thought i was going to barf. and then i couldn't breathe. and then my hands and feet started to tingle and i couldn't move them. the ymca people thought i was having a seizure and they decided to call the paramedics.
the things that i think about during stressful situations are sort of ridiculous. my first thought was, "now i can't drive the kids home!"
and my second thought was, "this really ruins my chances for completing the YMCA football fever fitness challenge."
then came, "a seizure? this isn't so bad. i thought there would be more arm flailing."
and of course, "why is this happening? i thought i was in good shape! we didn't even work out that hard!"
then i thought "oh, exciting! i have never been in an ambulance before!"
and then i thought about my family. i totally freaked out when i thought about reagan and scarlett in the childwatch and i was scared to death to think of reagan seeing me with the paramedics because of his fear of doctors. then i had a panic attack.
the instructor called thomas and the paramedics asked me all sorts of questions and took me outside to the ambulance. they checked my heartrate and all that good stuff and pricked my finger(the worst part!) to check my bloodwhatever levels. by that point thomas had arrived and he was able to wrangle the kids and take care of me. and i wasn't able to ride in the ambulance after all. just another dreamed dashed. i was able to go with thomas, my hero.
it turns out that i had an electrolyte imbalance, followed by shock, followed by a panic attack. apparently i am an anxious person. perhaps you didn't know that. but most likely you did and are laughing right now.
the weirdest part was all of the people that walked by and gawked inside the ambulance door. like some people actually stopped and tried to stick their head in. just random people passing by. and then this one lady stuck her head in and asked if we could move the ambulance because we were blocking her car. for the love of cross stitch people! i could have been dying in there! sorry to ruin your day!
anywhooo, i am fine and all is well. i have been chugging powerade like it is my job and thomas has been the ideal male nurse. powerade tastes like homemade sin, bytheway. i went back to the gym today and barely broke a sweat, just like i was told. and everyone stared, just like i thought they would.

in other news- scarlett is a little rolypoly. she rolled over twice a few weeks ago and then stopped. now it is back on. my little wiggleworm is so advanced!

palm trees, pictures, the problems with perfect pumpkins and other plosives

it's the most wonderful time of the year! HALLOWEEN is just around the corner! we purchased our pumpkin this week and i have been enjoying it immensely. every time i drive up to our house, i am reminded of why we have this very important and spiritual time of year: COSTUMES AND CANDY and all things CREEPY! i might as well be typing HEAVEN ON EARTH! the hard part is that i can't find most of our halloween stuff yet. only my halloween tablecloth and placemats. i guess that will have to do. no sign of our purple and orange holiday lights, or my jack-o-lantern platter or my gobs of cobwebs. just yesterday i was kicking myself for having a july wedding instead of waiting until october! just imagine! a bride and groom with fangs, a BLOOD red velvet wedding cake, dead flowers, a hearse instead of a limo, dancing your first dance to the monster mash! how could i have been so silly to forgo such an AWESOME opportunity? sometimes i just don't know what i was thinking!

anywhooo, it finally has gotten below 90 degrees here, so we spent some time outside. the kids don't really look like they are enjoying it, but trust me they are! they know the reason for the season and they are both as excited as me about this very important holiday. plus, they are sitting next to a pumpkin! they might as well be sitting next to a gold mine! believe me, my kids will be raised correctly!

our pumpkin, one of our palm trees and the offspring. the palm trees are my fave thing about our new place! who'd of thunk a landlocked missouri girl would have real live palm trees in her yard?

has anyone else noticed the complete lack of imperfect pumpkins these days? where are the lumpy, ugly, lopsided pumpkins whose disfigurement truly embody the message of halloween? are we such a botoxed, nip/tuck society that we need visually perfect and aesthetically pleasing gourds too? how do you make a scary pumpkin-headed man to sit on your porch to scare away non-halloween believers if his orange pumpkin skin looks like it has a daily regimen of Proactiv solution? it's a travesty, a sham and a mockery. a real traveshamockery!

also, on columbus day, we went downtown and enjoyed river street. it was good to know that if this whole mothering thing didn't work out, i always have other career avenues to explore!

one happy fam damly! cues the aaahs!